


CHEKOV: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by SpirkTrekker42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-07 13:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpirkTrekker42/pseuds/SpirkTrekker42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a ENSIGN CHEKOV unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your CHEKOV will give you decades of quality performance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	CHEKOV: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anton Yelchin](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Anton+Yelchin).



Disclaimer: Star Trek sadly does not belong to me. Gene Roddenberry gets props for creating the Trek universe and the original characters. JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman get props for redefining the Star Trek characters in the alternate universe.

A/N: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters.

A/N2: Warning – I ship Chekov/Sulu.

KYLE REESE is Anton Yelchin’s character in Terminator Salvation.

After the large reviewer response to my KIRK, SPOCK, McCOY, and SCOTTY models (THANK YOU) I decided that everyone’s favorite Russian needed an owner's manual, and this is the end result.

.~.

Chekov: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!   
You are now the proud owner of an ENSIGN CHEKOV unit!  
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your CHEKOV will give you decades of quality performance.

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your CHEKOV unit, for optimal performance, be sure to tell him that he will have access to the Enterprise’s computers and science labs. It is not necessary to remove any clothes at this time.  
Your CHEKOV should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the CHEKOV unit.

(a) CHEKOV 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Koenig, 1967)

(b) CHEKOV 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Yelchin, 2009)

Note: This Owner's Manual refers to CHEKOV 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one Anton Yelchin.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Pavel Andreivich Chekov

Rank: Ensign

Starship: U.S.S. Enterprise

Home Planet: Earth

Home Town: Moscow, Russia

Species: Human

Manufacturers: Mr. and Mrs. Chekov

Site of Manufacture: St. Petersburg

Height: 5 ft 9 in

Weight: insufficient data

Hair Color: Brown

Eyes: Green

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your CHEKOV unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in Standard or Russian. (He is fluent in both.)  
Remember that your CHEKOV is not just aesthetically pleasing; he has multiple functions.

Intelligence Quotient:   
This Ensign's IQ is off the scale! He can make complex mathematical calculations in mere minutes, and has valuable experience at manning the transporter, especially when the objects he’s supposed to be beaming are falling. If you want to dazzle your friends, enter him in Starfleet’s annual Math Bowl. He’ll be sure to give the competition a run for their money!

Combat:  
Your CHEKOV unit is programmed with multiple defense techniques, as all Starfleet officers are trained in hand-to-hand combat. Recently he’s been taking private sword-fighting lessons with the SULU unit. There’s no word on whether this is actually improving his skill in battle. 

Creative Thinking:   
The CHEKOV unit was the one responsible for the idea of using Saturn’s moon, Titan’s atmosphere to hide the ship in order to mount a surprise attack on the Narada, and save Earth. As usual, the KIRK unit got all the credit.

Drinking:   
If there is one thing CHEKOV loves more than math, it is drinking vodka. Despite his size, he can drink just about anyone under the table, save for the SCOTTY unit.

Navigation:  
The CHEKOV unit is well practiced at charting the safest possible course for a ship to take. 

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
You will find that your CHEKOV is compatible with most other humans, especially the SULU model. However caution should be exercised with respect to using your CHEKOV in conjunction with female models. Be sure to activate his ‘het’ setting, as it is automatically set to ‘slash’.  
The maintenance of a CHEKOV unit as an attachment to a SULU unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The CHEKOV and SULU models have several modes of interaction:  
(a) Romantic  
(b) Friendly  
(c) Hostile   
Or (d) Drunk, in the case of the CHEKOV unit

WARNING: It is essential that both the CHEKOV and SULU units be set to the same interaction mode. If the CHEKOV model is set to 'Drunk' while the SULU is set to 'Hostile', your Russian might not be able to defend himself if he incurs his wrath.  
*Make sure that the CHEKOV unit is at least eighteen before setting him up with the SULU unit.

ACCESSORIES  
The items with which your CHEKOV comes equipped, depend on which edition of the human you have purchased.  
CHEKOV 1.0 : Wears gold engineering Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Comes with considerable Russian pride.  
CHEKOV 2.0 : Wears red engineering Starfleet uniform, black pants, boots. Comes with ‘Jailbait’ warning.  
Both editions are equipped with phasers and communicators.

CLEANING  
Depending on the uses to which you put your CHEKOV, you may have to clean him on a regular basis. Use either a water or sonic shower – he likes both. 

LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your CHEKOV remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your CHEKOV unit can be provided by the SULU unit, sold separately.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your CHEKOV’s energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your navigator:

Food:  
Your CHEKOV will eat almost anything that is edible. He is fond of Russian delicacies, such as lapsha (noodle soup) and shashlik (shish kabob) . He also really loves pizza. A word of caution – unless you want him to be even more hyper than usual, keep him away from foods high in sugar.

Drink:  
If your CHEKOV’s energy is almost spent, give him plenty of water to drink. He’s a growing boy and needs replenishing on a regular basis. As long as he’s off duty, feel free to give him alcohol – he will love you forever. Go easy on the caffeine – again, this unit is hyperactive enough without it.

Sleep:  
You may be surprised by the minute amount of sleep your CHEKOV needs to function. However, he needs four hours to function, and seven hours to function well. Research has showed that the efficiency of the CHEKOV unit's rest cycle can be augmented or hindered by sharing a bed with the SULU unit, depending on the day.

REPROGRAMMING  
The CHEKOV 2.0 can be issued with a revised skills program from Starfleet. Be sure to update his knowledge regularly, as technology is always changing.   
It is not possible to reprogram the CHEKOV 1.0, who comes with original charm. 

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the CHEKOV unit (especially version 2.0), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your engineer.  
* Have your CHEKOV micro-chipped. Choose a doctor who is experienced in the handling of stubborn engineers to carry out this procedure. (Any nearby McCOY unit would gladly volunteer.)  
* Do not leave your CHEKOV unattended in public.  
* Do not lend your CHEKOV to anyone (e.g. your friend Irina).

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 

Q: My CHEKOV unit is having considerable difficulty pronouncing his V’s. Is there a problem with his vocal processor?  
A: There’s no problem at all. This is your CHEKOV’s natural accent. It’s quite humorous at times, especially when he has to issue shipwide announcements.

Q: My CHEKOV informed me he has attempted to assassinate the KIRK unit in hopes to advance in rank. Have I been issued a faulty unit?   
A: Your CHEKOV is not faulty – you just got issued the Mirror Universe CHEKOV instead. If you fear for your life, you can exchange him for a standard CHEKOV unit free of charge.

Q: My CHEKOV unit keeps insisting all kinds of things were ‘inwented’ in Russia, when I know better. What the hell is wrong with him?!  
A: There’s nothing wrong with him – it’s just one of his humorous quirks. Just accept it and move on. 

TROUBLE SHOOTING

Problem: My CHEKOV unit keeps expecting people to call him ‘Admiral’ and goes around asking where he can find the ‘nuclear wessels’. Have I been issued a faulty unit?  
Solution: You’ve accidentally been issued a CHEKOV 1.0. Are you sure you don’t want to stick with him? If not, we’ll still make the exchange, free of charge.

Problem: All that my CHEKOV unit ever talks about is science, math, computers, and guys like Lenin, Peter the Great, and Tchaikovsky. How can I get him to talk about something really interesting?  
Solution: Ask him about his relationship with the SULU unit.

Problem: My CHEKOV is feeling guilty about the death of the SPOCK unit’s mother. How can I convince him that it wasn’t his fault that she didn’t beam back?  
Solution: Call the KIRK unit, and ask him to set up a meeting with him, the SPOCK unit, and your CHEKOV. If anyone can convince CHEKOV that he was not at fault, the KIRK unit can.

Problem: When asked to help with a certain task, my CHEKOV always responds ‘I can do zat!’ It’s getting really annoying. What can I do to rectify the situation?  
Solution: Aww, that’s so cute. But if it really bothers you, bribe him with vodka to change how he answers.

Problem: Your CHEKOV has been neglecting his duties because he is spending too much time ‘practicing flying simulations’ with a certain pilot.  
Solution: Tell him if he doesn't get back to work, you'll alert the SPOCK unit that he is becoming lazy. He’ll be so intimidated by the Vulcan that he’ll get right to work.

Problem: Your CHEKOV keeps insisting that terminators are going to attack and that the crew needs to make a plan on how to survive the war against the machines because this has happened to him before. You start wondering what happened to his sensibilities…  
Solution: You have been issued a KYLE REESE model by mistake! Are you sure you don't want to just stick with the classic model?

Problem: It’s your CHEKOV unit’s eighteenth birthday, and he is sulking because all of his friends forgot about it. How do I get him to stop?  
Solution: Don’t worry about it. They didn’t really forget – they just pretended to so they could get him off the ship in order to prepare for his surprise party. The SULU unit will most likely come to fetch him in a few hours. 

ADDITIONAL INFO

For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:

Starfleet Academy  
PO BOX 1701  
EARTH  
SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129

THE END

A/N: Any questions, comments, concerns about the CHEKOV model? Review and I will do my best to answer/fix them.


End file.
